*Editors Note: the following opinion piece is a satire*
It’s the start of a new semester! There are new classes, new books and of course new roommates. I have also begun my final semester, and during my time here I have had over 30 different roommates — some good and a couple not so good.
So, here are five simple tips that I guarantee will make you the best and most memorable roommate anyone will ever have.
Tip #1: Never do your dishes. Everyone knows that roommates love doing dishes. I know how much fun it is to do dishes, but let your roommates have that fun! Put your dishes in the sink and let them pile up. Make sure to burn food to the bottom of their pot. That extra scrubbing will help build their muscles and be a perfect substitution for that workout they probably skipped. Don’t forget, a big pile of dishes shows visitors that real cooking occurs in that apartment, so when girls come to visit, everyone in the apartment will become more attractive since it’s evident that they cook.
Tip #2: Don’t flush the toilet. They lift up the toilet lid, and they get a nice surprise! I don’t think I know anyone that doesn’t like surprises. I know it’s fun to push that lever and then see the water swirl around and around and everything disappear. I’m a magician after all. Making things disappear is my specialty. It’s fun. So, don’t be selfish!
Tip #3: Play loud music at 6 a.m. Everybody loves good music, right? Who doesn’t want to start their day off with great music? My personal favorite is to play “Friday” by Rebecca Black every Friday morning. What a great way to start off the weekend! Your roommates will love you for allowing them to wake up bright and early to amazing music.
Tip #4: Make out with a different girl (or a guy if you are a girl) every night on the living room couch. If you are bringing over a different girl every night — and it’s very important that it’s a different girl — it will show them that it’s not that hard to get a girl. It will motivate them to go find a girl for themselves. Who knows? Maybe that girl they find will be the one to say “I do,” and they will only have you to thank. I guarantee you they’ll look up to you, and you will go down as the coolest roommate ever.
Tip #5: Take long showers and make sure to use all the hot water. Did you know that it’s healthier to take cold showers? That’s right — it burns fat, increases mood and alertness, strengthens your immune system and gives you attractive hair and skin. Since you’re obviously good looking (I mean, you’re bringing home a new girl every night after all), let them get those benefits. Get in the shower first and keep the hot water running. Use up all the hot water so that your roommates get cold water. You’ll see results in weeks. They’ll be more attractive, thinner, they won’t get sick and who do they have to thank? You, of course! By allowing them to have those cold showers, you’ll be doing your roommates a huge favor, and they’ll love you for it.
So there you have it. Five tips on how to be the best roommate ever.
Trust me, after eight semesters, I know what I’m talking about.