*Editors Note: the following opinion piece is a satire*

Over the last several years, the government has tried to find ways of improving the American education system. Different avenues were attempted, such as standardized testing, Common Core and even implementing laptops and tablets into the classroom in hopes of improving learning. Unfortunately, it has become clear that education just isn’t for Americans. The Onion, an online news source, published an article on April 27 that described the struggle administrators have faced in trying to educate the rising generation.

U.S. education officials told The Onion that despite their attempts to emphasize the importance of STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) subjects and liberal arts programs in schools, they recognize nothing is working and it is time to take a different approach.

“When it comes down to it, school isn’t for everyone,” said Education Secretary John King Jr. to The Onion. “The American people have put their head down and given it their best shot, but something’s just not clicking.”

King said that despite providing endless support and hands-on learning opportunities, there hasn’t been any improvement.

Medications have been developed to help strengthen students’ attention spans and focus their train of thought. Even with the help of medications, students just aren’t feeling it.

“We need to accept that maybe the United States just isn’t cut out for this,” King said.

Our country spends over $550 billion a year on public education, according to New America, an online organization focused on politics. Data has shown that more money doesn’t equal more academic success.

I propose that we spend our money elsewhere. If kids want to be educated, that option is there, but it shouldn’t be required by law. It may be a more effective use of their time to work in factories or do menial labor work, or even attend a trade school. If joining the workforce isn’t an option for them, both parents in the home could work while the children stay home and attend to the household work. We should instead invest the $550 billion in scientific research, such as examining bovine flatulation, finding a new habitable planet in our galaxy and eliminating hydrochloric acid from our planet to reduce erosion and decrease mortality rates.

So let’s stop filling kids’ heads with high expectations.

Instead of encouraging them to finish public schooling, receive an undergrad or even a graduate degree, let’s encourage more realistic goals.

When a child says they want to be a doctor, teacher or business person when they grow up, encourage instead more important and attainable career goals, like a waitress, valet or janitor.

These are the true heroes of our day. Let’s stop trying to fill the high-paying, low-demand jobs and stick with what Americans do best: the bare minimum.