How students can fail finals successfully

If any of you weren’t aware, finals have finally arrived. This statement fills you with instant joy, right? It is the moment of the semester that I really do believe is my favorite.

It is the time where anxiety levels rise, uncontrollable weeping overwhelms you out of the blue, and sleep deprivation is an unwanted companion that I truthfully would not mind unfriending.

To get rid of this unwanted distress of finals that so graciously bestowed itself in these last few weeks of the semester, all you have to do is G.R.A.D.U.A.T.E.

G — Grieve.

You have to grieve like no other.

Let people know how much pain you are in because of these end of semester tests. This isn’t a fun moment in your life, and you should let others know so they can mourn with you.

Moral support is key to your failure.

R — Run away from school.

Leave in the broad daylight so people can openly know your disdain for these offensive finals. You did nothing to deserve them, and your open boycott to this inhumane treatment will be a heroic effort on your part to all of us who need a leader in these troubled times.

A — Avoid studying because it is below you.

You were made for much greater things, and caving in to this torture will only show weakness. You are strong. Don’t let people hand you those infested study guides.

D — Dumb yourself down.

If everyone believes that you won’t even succeed because of your lack of intelligence. Then failure will be in plain sight and the intended mission will be a straight win from here.

You will, for sure, be at the top of your class.

U — Uprisings are necessary.

This should become a chant in your head and a beat to your heart.

Finals are getting closer, and resistance needs to be strong.

Starting an uprising will fortify you and your class members to take this cause and bring finals down and out of your life.

A — Associate yourself with other failures.

With the help of others, they will keep you in the right mindset that finals are the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Their honorable efforts will help you stay focused and in control. You will not cave.

T — Throw your finals away.

Profoundly do it in front of the whole Testing Center, because first off, how in the world did you even let yourself get that far? You almost betrayed your righteous cause going into the demon’s lair. But no worries, all is forgiven because you came to your senses and left, redeeming your dignity.

E — Expect yourself to fail.

If you have stayed strong, then failure will be your score of passing. If you have followed this list precisely, then your graduation is in sure sight, and greater things do await your promising future.

I wish you all the best of luck on your endeavors to G.R.A.D.U.A.T.E.

Don’t slack off your promising future.

Our generation has been said to be the strongest, and you should not let down this valiant calling.

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