Students constantly complain that BYU-Idaho’s dress code is ignored by students and unenforced by faculty. But the real problem is that the dress code is effectively unenforceable due to subjectivity.

Take tight jeans for example. Trying to define a line of “tightness” or “skinniness” has proven useless. You can see this as you walk around campus and notice how the rule applies differently to each student.

Some students’ jeans are too tight around calves, some are too tight around thighs, some are too tight around bottoms and some are so loose they make wearers look like gang members.

Other problems with defining the line of jean modesty include students’ size, their weight gains or losses since pants were last purchased, their financial situations in regard to pant purchasing, and their waist to hip to leg ratios. Similar problems with defining lines of modesty exist within each aspect of a modest outfit (sleeve length, top length, skirt length, slit length, top lowness). But these difficulties can no longer be used as excuses. The subjectivity of immodesty, and its resulting awkwardness and sexual deviancies, can be avoided with a uniform.

However, the problem with typical uniforms (aside from the whole Satan’s plan thing) is size. Large people, tall people and skinny people ruin everything. All of the sudden, a perfectly modest outfit becomes extremely tight or way too short. The trick: Snuggies. Or at least a mix between Snuggies and Harry Potter robes (to keep it professional).

If everyone wore Snuggies at BYU-I, students would no longer have to decide where the line between modesty and immodesty lies. The university could eliminate the need to think outside of the classroom altogether. Sure, students would still have to figure out lines between good and bad in other aspects of their lives, but this would lighten their load of necessary thinking.

The Snuggie will also relieve the trials of those “distracted” by such garb. Never again will a poor, perverted student have to be “offended” by the outline of a young woman’s calf. Thanks to the sea of Snuggies, this poor, perverted student can put off his problems for now and face them when he graduates.

The only foreseeable problem is Lil Wayne’s making of a “red Snuggie” into a sex symbol in his song “Drop it Low.” It turns out some people will try to corrt anything we call good.

But that’s OK; I think we can find a way to ban that song too.