Fifty shades of resentment greeted members of the “I <3 Life in Rexburg” Facebook group last week when news broke that Fats Cats had included the R-rated film Fifty Shades Freed in their list of upcoming movies.
Having grown up outside of Idaho, I didn’t initially understand the outrage. After performing some cursory research on the reputation R-rated movies have here in Rexburg, I have to admit I still don’t get it. Here’s why:
The first film in the trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey, scored a terrible 26 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, a popular film critic website. The second film, Fifty Shades Darker, scored 10 percent on the same site.
At this rate of decline, I estimate the upcoming third installment of the series, Fifty Shades Freed, will hit around -6 percent.
To be honest, the odds of this film being good at anything other than box office sales is minimal. And that is exactly why everyone should go see it.
I can’t think of a better way to turn someone off this kind of filthy entertainment than having them watch any movie in the Fifty Shades series.
Everyone should have the freedom to make their own mistakes — because let’s be honest, paying to see Fifty Shades Freed will probably be a mistake. And how can we ever learn from our mistakes if we don’t have the freedom to make them?
OK, now I’m going to bore you with an example of how I recently learned from a mistake.
Last week I downloaded the Google Arts and Culture app with the intention of discovering my historical painting look-alike. Thanks to the app, I found out my face is a 50 percent match with the 1886 self-portrait of Vincent van Gogh.
I was fairly pleased with this — especially considering van Gogh’s treasured 19th-century self-portraits are worth over $100 million each and my countenance apparently exhibits half of his attractive features.
But as I contemplated dropping out of college to become a wealthy art model, something struck me about van Gogh’s self-portrait. Right there, just below the mouth, spreading from ear to missing ear, was a scraggly, glorious beard.
The contrast between van Gogh’s rugged jawline and my own hairless chin left me irritated.
In fact, it was at this very moment I realized: If I could grow a beard at BYU-Idaho, I wouldn’t just be 50 percent van Gogh. I would be 100 percent van Gogh — plus or minus an ear — and that would be wonderful.
So I took matters into my own hands. I rebelled. I’m sorry to admit I did not shave that next Sunday morning. Nope, I let those prickly whiskers of evil emerge from their teeming pores.
Luckily, my church meetings began at the unholy hour of 8:45 a.m., so I was still roughly passable at the end of the third block and I didn’t get into any trouble.
Basically, I made a mistake by casually breaking a rule that day and no one stopped me. I wasn’t guilt-tripped about it, but I didn’t really gain anything either. I just learned that rebelling and making mistakes is not really worth the trouble.
So go watch Fifty Shades Freed next month and immediately regret wasting your money.
I, too, have at least 40 or 45 shades of resentment toward that series — maybe even 50 shades — but sometimes, I choose to let other people make their own mistakes.