President Alvin F. Meredith III held a special press conference early Monday morning to announce that Stanley water bottles are now banned from the BYU-Idaho campus due to a number of safety concerns.

The ban comes as a welcome change for many professors who deem the tumblers too colorful and claim they are a distraction in class.

Ann Onymous, a professor in the Department of Humanities and Philosophies, is more concerned with what students are drinking.

“This ban has been a long time coming,” Onymous said. “Students have been drinking as much as 40 ounces of dihydrogen monoxide at a time. This is the same substance that eroded the Grand Canyon and ruins millions of homes every year with flooding. We cannot ignore the dangerous implications of water consumption any longer.”

Among concerns for student health, President Meredith mentioned the effect the drinkware has had oncampus facilities.

Trio of Stanley cups found on campus.

Trio of Stanley cups found on campus. Photo credit: Emily Ormston

Known for their durability and insulation, Stanley tumblers have dented multiple floors of classrooms across campus after falling off desks. This has also created an increase in noise complaints from students and teachers, citing the noise of falling water bottles as distracting and even frightening.

“I still hear the metallic clanging when I try to fall asleep at night,” said Cronkie Headbanger, a senior studying communication. “I just want it to stop.”

Other students are concerned about the effect the ban will have on their ability to leave class for frequent bathroom breaks.

Another Stanley that will need to be melted down.

Another Stanley that will need to be melted down. Photo credit: Emily Ormston

Since the announcement was released, the Utah County Mothers Coalition stated they are “appalled,” and there are rumors of a protest brewing.

Students are encouraged to recycle their Stanleys at the Manwaring Center as soon as possible to be melted down and made into a Mighty Oaks statue.

To learn more about the ban and how students are reacting, read here.

This is a satirical article written by students and staff in the Scroll practicum. Subscribe to our free newsletter or follow us on instagram to stay up to date.