The guy walks out the door and the roommates slowly appear from their rooms. Like a pack of hyenas, they gather around the girl who just got back from her date.
“Tell us what happened — tell us everything,” the girls demand.
The one sits upon her throne as her roommates gather around, and she gives details about what happened on the date.
“Maybe we look too much into it,” said Kassidi Gonthier, a senior studying English education.
Meanwhile, the guy gets home and his roommates ask him how the date went.
“Good,” he says while he shrugs his shoulders and walks into his room. Maybe in the coming minutes he’ll disclose more of what happened, maybe not.
As defined in last week’s column, a date is an opportunity to get to know somebody better. Don’t stress about it. But there may be other things we do that make these simple dates way more intense than they should be.
I’ve illustrated above what girls do: They talk.
“Basically what happens is you walk in and you sit on that chair right there and everybody asks, ‘So, what happened?’” said Rachael Meager, a senior studying business management.
From what she and her roommates told me, they just sit there, listen and ask if they’re going to go on another date. They said they sometimes ask probing questions to get out the details.
Gonthier said this analyzing has gotten in her head before when she was younger.
“I’ve done the over-analyzing, and I hate it,” Gonthier said. “It ruins your experience with that person, with that guy. I mean, if he didn’t think about it too much, why should you?”
And why is that dangerous?
“The dialogue women have before and after a date elevates it,” said Cole Ratcliffe, a marriage and family teacher on campus. “Expectations are elevated by language and conversation, and so when they’re talking like it’s more than a date it feels like it’s more than a date. So we have to change that dialogue.”
Now, the guys.
Ratcliffe told me about an article he wrote on his website, byuido.org. He said a guy on a first date generally suffers from TMT, which stand for either “too much talk,” “too much touch,” or “too much time.”
Too much talk. We reveal too much about ourselves or our past on the first date.
“That shouldn’t be happening within the first few dates,” Ratcliffe said.
Meager said when guys reveal too much about themselves on the first date it makes her uncomfortable.
Too much touch. Ratcliffe said this didn’t have to mean kissing but “being too handsy” can give off the wrong image or show that you have a hidden agenda.
Too much time.
“They should be brief. No more than 90 minutes … just a simple date,” Ratcliffe said.
That takes going to a movie out of the picture for a first date. You do the math.
And, Ratcliffe added, too much cash could be included.
Ratcliffe said violating these TMT rules gives the sign that you’re more committed than you actually may be.
Guys, don’t worry about it. Girls, don’t talk so much. Give each other a break.
Communication with the opposite sex is “a good thing for our souls,” Ratcliffe said. Those really good conversations come through the field of dating.
In a fireside devotional given by President Dallin H. Oaks to young adults on May 1, 2005, titled “Dating versus Hanging Out,” he said “If we are to persuade young men to ask for dates more frequently, we must establish a mutual expectation that to go on a date is not to imply a continuing commitment.”
Girls, if a guy asks you out, and as long as he isn’t a creep, give him a chance. If you get a weird vibe, avoid it.
Guys, ask girls out. Follow the three p‘s of a date given by Dallin H. Oaks, “planned ahead, paid for and paired off.”
So, let’s do that. Let’s fundamentally change how we view dating. Let’s not spend too much time, talk or money. Let’s smile. And let’s have fun.