Despite months of intensive therapy, I can still vividly remember my first YSA dance.
My friends and I arrived just in time to hear the spiritual thought, which was a General Conference address on marriage.
Looking around the gym, I couldn’t help but notice a young man who had apparently missed the memo about the formal dress code, inasmuch as he was wearing combat boots, camouflage pants, and a baseball cap and vest colored the same tasteful shade of orange that you might get if you irradiated a traffic cone.
“He’s not making a bad hunting metaphor, is he?” I asked my friends, and then we shared a hearty laugh, knowing that no one would ever seriously try to pull a stunt that cheesy.
Five minutes later, I heard him say to a young woman, “Want to pretend that you’re the deer?”
I’ll be honest, when I first came to BYU-Idaho, I expected more. I expected to see men who were constantly coming with amazing dates and activities, sweeping women off their feet.
What I found was a lot of guys who, like the Camouflage Dancer, had about as much understanding for women as a brick.
Members of the male species, be warned: in this world, there are men and there are guys. There’s a big difference between the two, and women definitely prefer one over the other.
In spite of this fact, many members of my sex will insist on being guys.
But if you’re determined to be a loser, you might as well do it right, and so I humbly present the following Official Guide To Being A Guy:
An ideal date for a guy is dinner and a movie. Or, if you’re particularly lazy, just the movie. The key is to put as little thought as possible into the activity.
Your goal is to have less interaction with her than the U.N. has with North Korea. If you must talk, focus on yourself (see “Talking To Women” below).
If you want to be a true guy, go to the gym every chance you get. Or, barely go at all.
The trick to going to the gym isn’t really using the gym, it’s talking about it constantly, to everyone you meet. (“My fellow graduates, it is a privilege to speak to you today. Did I mention that I go to the gym a lot?”)
NOTE: If you aren’t the kind of person who would ever voluntarily set foot in a gymnasium, substitute “video games” for “gym,” and you’ll achieve basically the same effect.
Talking to women
The key to conversing with women like a true guy is to talk about yourself. Never let her get a word in edgewise.
Talk about your high school glory days, or that weird dream you had last night (you know, the one with Dr. Dre and the giant taco.)
If you’re really determined to be a guy, talk about other women, like your past girlfriends. Or talk about how cute her roommate is. To be a guy, make everything about you.
Guys aren’t interested in anyone else; it’s the men who look outward at other people.
It’s also the men who get respected by others. But then, if you’re a guy, what do you care?